Frustration

Hurray for blatant favoritism and lack of subtlety. It makes everything easier, yes it does . . . because it’s always best to disgruntle as much of any given base as you’re pleasing. I know what’s going on, and some of the way things are being handled rubs me severely in the wrong way. “Oh, you don’t play a Euthie? Fuck off, we don’t care about you. We’re busy making sure all the Euthies transfer.” Yeah. And I’m staff, so I can only imagine how the rest of the non-Euthie players feel. You know – the ones who have no (or little) idea what’s going on, though I’m sure they all know pretty exactly what’s happening now, hence my mention of subtlety. There’s a whole lot of background staff-y type stuff to be done yet, and now some of us will be fielding questions until the cows come home. You know, those of us who don’t know what we should be writing yet, or who we’re supposed to be working with. Needless to say, this isn’t a way of starting a new venture that strikes me as ideal, even aside from server crashes and the like. Yay. For the record? I have a pet character, a favorite, that I really care about too – one that I’ve been playing for years. I’m willing to give her up for this, if necessary, and I’m not stifling the creativity of the rest of staff by insisting that she be moved to the new setting (site, whatever) as is, or else. It makes me want to bang my head against the wall; that would be as rewarding as working around this huge thing that no one wants to talk about, in some respects. And yet, I have a feeling it’ll happen. And I’ll staff Changeling if that’s what we end up with, because I can’t staff Mage around such a thing – both ethically and creatively, it’s a killing blow.

Anyway. I’m home today, huzzah! I can sit here in front of the computer and wait for people to message me, or try to write for the new site (but I don’t know what I’m supposed to be working on! We’re not organized, at all), or I can go do housework. I’m guessing it’ll be the former that ends up happening.

Ah, the Changes a Day Can Make

I really hate ironing. I’m not sure why, other than it’s One of Those Things that I don’t often mention, let alone do if I can help it. My psychological issues are many, I’ll admit freely, and the people I talk to about them are few. Regardless, ironing is about on par with doing the dishes, in my mind. Folding laundry, washing it, drying it, that’s fine. Putting away dishes is fine. But ironing and washing dishes . . . I used to start to hyperventilate, or I’d get a migraine and I’d have to go lie down. Now, I just hate them – but I can do them if I have to. It’s strange how that works, I suppose, and it would be interesting to see what brain chemistry causes such reactions . . . but mostly, it’s a pain in the ass. My sink is full of dirty dishes, and I’ll do anything I can think of to avoid washing them. I have a beautiful piece of linen that I just washed and dried that needs to be ironed and I’m sitting here blogging instead while the uncertainty of my day plagues me.

There’s more sewing to be finished for Vikings; Morgen’s outfit is done and Liana’s and Jerry’s are almost done, but mine isn’t even started. I have a beautiful piece of burgundy silk (one of the things I have to iron) for my under dress, and a nice cotton brocade in olive that matches one of the colors in everyone else’s fabric. – Update, since I was writing this earlier, and now it’s late at night and things have changed: My under dress is done but for finishing the neckline. My over dress is cut out. Everything for both girls and Jerry is finished. Huzzah!

Amusingly, there was probably more angst-laden stuff I had to say this morning, but nothing in particular now. Other than man, it feels good when I come home after a long day and see a message from a certain crush blinking at me, and man, I wish the guy who thinks he’s in love with me would move to another state again. It would make my life way easier, and we all want that, don’t we? I thought so.

Writing for CbN 2.0 Playlist

30 Seconds to Mars: Capricorn (A Brand New Name)
Fallen
End of the Beginning
Attack
The Kill

Ani Difranco: Knuckle Down
Studying Stones
Paradigm

Berlin: Metro

Blue October: What If We Could
Hate Me
Ugly Side
Razorblade

The Fray: Over My Head (Cable Car)
How to Save a Life

Indigo Girls: Secure Yourself
Kid Fears
Prince of Darkness

Jewel: Who Will Save Your Soul
Foolish Games
Angel Standing By

Leonard Cohen: The Stranger Song
Who By Fire
The Guests

Pedro the Lion: Criticism as Inspiration
When They Really Get to Know You, They Will Run
Bad Things to Such Good People

Pink: Who Knew

Poe: Haunted
Wild
Trigger Happy Jack
Angry Johnny

Tori Amos: Crucify
Precious Things

Trip Shakespeare: Gone, Gone, Gone
Dead Set on Destruction

Under the Influence of Giants: Mama’s Room

The Wreckers: Way Back Home
Cigarettes

Post-Event, Pre-Holidays

I gave myself a day off, today, between crazy event stuff (and the crazy getting-ready-for-event stuff that came before it) and crazy getting-ready-for-Halloween stuff, and all the other crazy stuff that comes after that. The plan was to relax, to rest, to . . . I don’t know, not nap because very rarely (if ever) can I manage that when the girls are here with me. The plan, I guess, was to pretty much do nothing. Maybe play a bit, maybe just play around with my new Sims2 expansion (I did that, a bit), talk to some friends (most of whom are feeling about as chatty and cheerful as I, it seems) – I just wanted to do pretty much nothing today, because tomorrow (or maybe I can put it off until Wednesday), it all starts again. I have to make Morgen’s, Jerry’s and my Halloween costumes. I have to start baking, and maybe learning how to can so I can give out jars of applesauce, salsa and other yummy treats as presents to people. We’re leading into the holidays, and my time for ‘just relaxing’ will be even less than normal – but I think I don’t know how to just relax, anyway. Friends of mine are (sort of) upset at each other, and this, of course, makes me upset. It’s tiring to be able to feel it before they talk to me; at least one of them knows it from up close and personal experience. I doubt they’re projecting, at least not on purpose . . . but this is my time of year. Even more than usual, I can’t seem to help it; it just happens.

But anyway! The event. I know that’s what you’re all waiting to hear about. The boat (or, really, a stage that looks vaguely like the aft end of a pirate ship) got finished and looked beautiful, the girls’ garb got done completely and looked super cute, especially when all three of them (Morgen, Liana and Zoe) were together, my garb got done most of the way and looked pretty nice, I like to think (I didn’t get any pictures of me, and I don’t know if anyone else did), and . . . everything was great, despite the usual penchant for Michigan weather doing everything it can to fuck things up. Friday, we didn’t get out there (as a family) until fairly late because of sleeping children, but Jerry’d already gone out earlier to help with some of the big set up stuff, and to put up our tent and so on – so there wasn’t much to do other than change into garb and hang out. When it was the girls’ bed time, he took them to the tent and I got to stay up and drink . . . man, I’d almost forgotten how much fun it can be to just sit up around a bonfire, drinking and telling stories and singing songs. It’d been ages since I’d been able to.

Saturday, I ended up with the girls most of the day, which would have been fine if the plan hadn’t been for Jerry to take care of them so I could help with stuff since he’s far less of a volunteer type than I am. I can help and help and help until I collapse, but he wants to just make beer, cook, and do other stuff he considers fun. Running troll and stuff like that? Not his idea of a good time. I, however, like to help. I do it all the time for events-not-ours, and it makes sense for me to do it for BotIS too. Someone has to, after all. Anyway, yeah. Things didn’t go as planned on Saturday, although Michael, Ruth and Erich all showed up and checked it out, so that was fun. All in all, it was a good time despite the weather and despite things not going the way they were supposed to. It makes me ridiculously happy that the turn out was so good.

This weekend, there’s another camping thing but not an event – it’s just a normal camp out at the park. There’s only two times a year you can do it, once in the spring and once in the fall, but I think it’s going to rain. Don’t know for sure, but I have a feeling . . . and I’m right about the weather far more often than your average weather-person, Doppler radar or no. The weekend after that is Squires, out by Lansing, and I think we might try to go to that if I can convince people to have the clean-out-Mike-and-Becky’s-garage-and-wash-all-the-dishes party/tavern on Sunday instead of Saturday. And I know we’re planning on heading up to Traverse City for Vikings – yay! – though I can’t imagine we’ll be camping with the girls there this late in the year. It gets really, really cold at night.

What else? I got a new exercise DVD, and it looks like a lot of fun. Yay for dance-as-aerobics! I also have to write a note to my mom and thank you notes to Eoin and Baldric for helping out last weekend. And I have to clean my living room so I can mess it up again making Morgen’s Halloween costume and so on. Also, I have to do at least one CbN scene (I’m one of those people who’s feeling little interest these days, I’m afraid, though it’s not the game that’s not holding my attention, or my characters) to run (not play, people need the NPCs) and . . . ugh. It’ll be alright.

Oh, shit.

I just realized it’s almost November.

I need to figure out what I’m going to write about. I WILL hit 50K again this year. I WILL.

'Cause When I Look You're Never There

Okay, yeah, definitely a crush. Man, it's irritating me that he hasn't been online in ages . . . I know he's taking a break from CbN and STing, but that doesn't mean he has to take a break from IMs and what not! Or, well, I guess it kind of does, because people are cunts over IMs too. In fact, the same people who harass him on site harass him over AIM, I guess, so it's understandable. But I miss him! I want him to be online, to be snarky with, to make me laugh, to laugh at my jokes even though I'm not funny. It sucks when he isn't around - and it sucks worse times like now, when there's no one online that I want to talk to, and nothing to do but update my blog. Alas! What's a girl to do? Fret and whine, I suppose, or at least that's what I'm doing. Anyway, I know he has crap for a computer and shit for a connection, so that's probably part of the problem too. Stupid not-working-the-way-it's-supposed-to technology!

Anyway. Went to the State Fair over the weekend with the girls, the in-laws and a few other random relatives. It would have sucked if I'd had to spend the whole day with the in-laws, but instead I got to escape and go on fun rides with the adolescents (tweenies, I think they're calling them these days. Thank you so much, Olsen twins and Hilary Duff), and then the three of them, Morgen and I went to play games on the midway. My four year old is a shark, let me tell you! She did better at the midway games than I did, which was awesome to see. The only way it could have been better is if we'd gone in the evening instead of the morning - there's very little that's prettier (and scarier, and more magical, and . . .) than a fair with all the lights on. Elephant ears taste better and the rides are scarier, and everything's just . . . more. We always used to go at night when I was a kid.

Yesterday, we had a family picnic - I posted pictures complete with snarky captions on TC and Ames said she really enjoyed the thread. That was cool to hear. It's really there for K'wyn, but of course everyone can look at it if they so desire. It would be silly to put it there if I didn't expect them to. So, family picnic. It was relatively painless, even fun. It was the last day for the pool to be open, and I think they stopped cleaning it on Saturday or so. But the lifeguards were all like, yeah, whatever, it's the last day when kids wanted to bring in floaties and kickboards and so on. They're all going back to school today, be it high school or college - yay for them. Morgen's swim teacher is away at Eastern now, though I still could swear she's 16 at the oldest, by appearance, anyway. Obviously she's older, but still! Man, with how young she looks and her cute, squeaky little voice, I'd never put her at old enough to be in college.

The girls' garb is done! But for the elastic in the waists and ankles of the pants, anyway. The outfits are so cute - I'll make a couple normal tunics as well, for Friday and Sunday, but their clothes for Saturday are adorable. Now to finish mine - hopefully I won't screw up the sleeves (again, for the third time) when I put them back on. I really want it all to be done, and then I can just make a couple tunics and dig up some of my old pants or something for Friday and Sunday. G wants me to take a shire picture, so I have to remember to bring my tripod and not just my camera. Speaking of camera stuff, Erich got my film camera fixed! I'm so excited. And Jerry's asking me what kind of lens I want for Christmas - since eventually, I want to set up a studio and do my own pictures of the girls (and probably Brandon, and Zoe, and . . .), I'll look into what people usually use for that. Maybe I'll end up with a light or something instead - that'd be awesome. My other choice is a new computer - or at least a new hard drive. I really hope for a whole new computer, honestly, though I'd probably go for the camera stuff if I had to choose between the two. It'd come in far more handy, after all, as I'm far more likely to use it to make money than I am to use a new hard drive or . . . whatever . . . for anything other than fun.

On a random musical note, I'm loving Sondre Lerche. Man, he's brilliant. His voice is pretty different, to my very American ears, and the guitar, and the lyrics . . . just lovely. The crush who shall not be named introduced me to him, and . . . yeah. Also digging on Rod Stewart/Faces and Roxy Music currently (always), because they make me think of him. Come back online, silly boy! I miss you. :(

Crushes

So, I have a fairly addictive personality. I don’t drink a lot, I don’t smoke any more and I certainly don’t do anything harder . . . instead, I get crushes. I fall ‘in love’ with someone intensely and undeniably, usually for a week or less though sometimes they last longer. Sometimes, they could in all likelihood be more than crushes, if they weren’t confined to the internet. I’m smart that way, I guess – there have been (and probably will be) crushes on real life people, but mostly I know better. They live in Australia or England or California or Mars (near enough, really, considering responsibilities that keep me from going anywhere, ever) or Timbuktu. Regardless of where the person lives, it’s a bright spot in an otherwise tedious day when said person comes online; I start grinning ridiculously and can’t wait for that person to message me, or to message that person.

Right now, he lives in England and he knows, though I doubt he took it seriously when I told him. I don’t really take it seriously, what with the married and the two kids and all – it’s a diversion, something more fun than changing diapers and cleaning up kid messes and making dinner. It’s adult companionship with both more and less intimacy than if Ruth or Erich or someone came over and sat in my living room drinking tea and talking about nothing for an equal amount of time. I don’t . . . connect with people who can see my face and read more into what I’m saying than I want them to see. Online, if people read something into what I’m saying, I can blame it on something else entirely – but in person, my face gives me away. My tone of voice, the look in my eyes . . . I’m a decent actress, but the people I’d hang out with know me well enough to tell when I’m lying (or just obscuring something) anyway. It’s far more rare, these days, that I can say ‘I’m fine’ and get left alone. Someone (usually Ruth or Erich) always pushes the issue – and I hate it, when there’s the risk of me crying in front of someone. Or getting pissed off. Or . . . well, or much of anything, really. It’s different to talk to the Ks, or other online people.

Anyway! Yes, England and fags and gin and cake. It’s fun to imagine, indeed, just the hanging out part. It hasn’t gotten any further than that, so maybe it’s not so much a crush as he’s becoming one of the few online people I call a Real Friend ™.